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Two years ago, I discovered that I was on the autism spectrum. As I learned more about myself and the way my brain worked, I started to look at past experiences through the lens of this newly-found aspect. This essay was the basis of the talk of the same name that I gave at the Wikimania conference. It is not an exact transcript. A French version is also available, as well as translations to Ukrainian and Portuguese.
This is a picture of me taken when I was 4, in nursery school, the French equivalent of Kindergarten. I could do whatever I wanted without worrying about the other kids. Two years ago, after some difficulties at work, my partner decided to share his suspicions that I might be on the autism spectrum. I knew little about it at the time, but it was a hypothesis that seemed to explain a lot, and seemed worth exploring. Sure, the subject had come up before a few times, but it was always as a joke, an exaggeration of my behavior.
I never thought that label applied to me. One problem is that autism is usually represented in a very uniform manner in popular culture. The autism spectrum is much more diverse than those stereotypical examples. After I started researching the topic, and reading books on autism or autobiographies by autistic people, I realized how much of it applied to me.
It took a bit longer and a few tests to get a confirmation from experts, and when it came, many people still had doubts. The question that came up the most often was "But how was this never detected before? The current prevailing hypothesis to explain this, based on an IQ test taken as part of the evaluation process, is that I am privileged to have higher-than-average intellectual capacities, which have allowed me to partly compensate for the different wiring of my brain.
What this also means is that it can be exhausting to run this software all the time, so sometimes I need to be by myself. As you can imagine, realizing at 31 that you are on the autism spectrum changes your perception dramatically; everything suddenly starts to make sense. One caveat I want to start with is that autism is a spectrum. The picture above was taken during Wikimania in Taipei. I was exploring the city with Cary Bass User:Bastique and a few other people. Looking back at this picture now, there are a few things I notice today:.
Spock, in the Star Trek Original Series. The son of a Vulcan father and a human mother, Spock is technically half-human, but it is his Vulcan side that shows the most in its interactions with the crew of the Enterprise. Spock and Kirk. Some of the funniest moments of the show are his arguments with the irascible Dr. To which Spock responds: "Why, thank you, Doctor. Although he does feel emotions, they are deeply repressed.
His speech pattern is very detached, almost clinical. Because of his logical and utilitarian perspective, Spock often appears dismissive, cold-hearted, or just plain rude to his fellow shipmates. For example, in her book Thinking in Pictures , Temple Grandin, a renowned autistic scientist and author, recounts how she related to Spock from a young age:. Many people with autism are fans of the television show Star Trek. Spock, since I completely related to his way of thinking.
I vividly remember one old episode because it portrayed a conflict between logic and emotion in a manner I could understand. A monster was attempting to smash the shuttle craft with rocks. A crew member had been killed. Logical Mr. Spock wanted to take off and escape before the monster wrecked the craft. The other crew members refused to leave until they had retrieved the body of the dead crew member. I agreed with Spock, but I learned that emotions will often overpower logical thinking, even if these decisions prove hazardous.
Those actions appear foolish or nonsensical, because Spock interprets them through his own lens of logic. He lacks the cultural background, social norms and unspoken assumptions unconsciously shared by humans. The reverse is also true: Whenever humans are puzzled or annoyed by Spock, it is because they expect him to behave like a human; they are often confronted with a harsher truth than they would like.
They often misunderstand his motives, assume malice and superimpose intents that change the meaning of his original words and actions. In many of those models, communication is represented as the transmission of a message between a sender and a receiver. In a basic communication model, the sender formulates the message, and transmits it to the receiver, who interprets it. The receiver also provides some feedback.
An oral discussion involves a lot more signals from nonverbal communication, like tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. If you apply this model to an oral conversation, you quickly see all the opportunities for miscommunication: From what the sender means, to what they actually say, to what the receiver hears, to what they understand, information can change radically, especially when you consider nonverbal communication.
In the words of psychologist Tony Attwood:. Every day people make intuitive guesses regarding what someone may be thinking or feeling. Most of the time we are right but the system is not faultless. We are not perfect mind readers. Social interactions would be so much easier if typical people said exactly what they mean with no assumptions or ambiguity. If this is the case for neurotypical people, meaning people with a "typical" brain, imagine how challenging it can be for autists like me.
A great analogy is given in the movie The Imitation Game , inspired by the life of Alan Turing, who is portrayed in the film as being on the autism spectrum. Still from The Imitation Game. All rights reserved. Historical accuracy aside, one of my favorite moments in the movie is when a young Alan is talking to his friend Christopher about coded messages. Christopher explains cryptography as "messages that anyone can see, but no one knows what they mean, unless you have the key.
How is that different from talking? Only I never do. Autistic people are characterized by many different traits, but one of the most prevalent is social blindness: We have trouble reading the emotions of others. We lack the " Theory of mind " used by neurotypical people to attribute mental states like beliefs and intents to others. When I first moved to the US, every time someone asked me "How are you?
It only takes a few milliseconds to switch to that path and short-circuit the question-answering process. A few weeks ago, someone in the Wikimedia Foundation office asked me "How is your world? In order to answer that question, my brain was reviewing everything that was happening in "my world" and "my world" is big!
This is only one of the challenges faced by autistic people, and I would now like to talk about neurotypical privilege. But, despite my superpowers, being autistic in a predominantly neurotypical society does bring its lot of challenges.
The lack of Theory of mind and the constant risk of miscommunication make it difficult to build relationships. Wikimania welcome reception.
All this "eye contact" thing that I learned in school is taking a lot of mental resources that would be better used to compute the answer to your question, so I sometimes need to look away to better focus. There are also many professional hurdles associated with being on the autism spectrum, and autists are more affected by unemployment than neurotypicals 5. Casual relationships with colleagues and acquaintances are usually superficial; the stakes of the water cooler discussions are low, so people are more inclined to forgive missteps.
Awkwardness is generally tolerated, but rarely sought after. His acceptance by the crew of the Enterprise was in large part due to the relationships he was able to develop with his shipmates.
Those relationships would arguably not have been possible if they had not known how he was different. Let me go back to that conceptual model of face-to-face communication. All those communication channels, that Wikimedians are all too familiar with, are based on text, and most of them are asynchronous. In online discussions, most of the nonverbal communication disappears, leaving only words. This can frustrate neurotypicals, but is much closer to the native communication model of autistic people.
However, this model of computer-mediated communication is much closer to the communication model of autists like me. There is no nonverbal communication to decrypt; less interaction and social anxiety; and usually, no unfamiliar environment either.
What there is online, instead, is plenty of time, time that we can use to collect our thoughts and formulate a carefully crafted answer.
This is true of asynchronous channels like email and wikis, but it also extends to semi-synchronous tools like instant messaging or IRC. For example, autists like me are still very much clueless about politics and reading between the lines.
Of course, one major example of wide-scale online communication is the Wikimedia movement. And at first glance, Wikimedia sites, and Wikipedia in particular, offer a platform where one can meticulously compile facts about their favorite obsession, or methodically fix the same grammatical error over and over, all of that with limited human interaction; if this sounds like a great place for autists and a perfect honey trap well, it is to some extent.
For example, my first edit ten years ago was to fix a spelling error. My second edit was to fix a conjugation error. My third edit was to fix both a spelling and a conjugation error.
Wikipedians are obsessed with citations, references, and verifiability; fact is king, and interpretation is taboo. As long as you stay in the main namespace, that is. There are plenty of unsourced, exaggerated and biased statements in Wikipedia discussions. As an autist, it can be hard to let go of arguments about things or people you care about. However, there is a distinction between being able to read the feelings of other people, and feeling compassion for other people.
One thing it does really well is avoiding the pathologization of autism, and instead insisting on neurodiversity, meaning autism as a difference, not a disease.
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